This blog post concerns a revision of an essay from a classmate in my section.
Recommendation about form: The major thing I enjoy about your essay is the depth. At a first glance you can tell a lot of effort was put into it simply based on the sheer volume of facts and organization. Overall I understand that the college essay doesn't have much flexibility in terms of form. However, there are some modifications I would make to the ending of the introduction. Introduce what you are going to talk about in that final sentence. Make it known (to the reader) that you will be discussing *blank*, *blank*, etc... In the conclusion, summarize everything that you discussed into one or two concise sentences. Right now the ending of the essay lacks direction, or overall reflection of what we just read. Based on the complexity of the body you probably already know all these issues and I just sound like a broken record. Just keep moving!
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